All of the world’s problems, from Third World hunger and overpopulation to global warming and the increasing rate of deaths caused by avoidable diseases, can be attributed to a single characteristic of the human condition: stupidity. “Only gay people get AIDS, so I don’t need to practice safe sex.” “Poor people are just lazy, they could get work scrubbing toilets if they really wanted to. ” “I only drink bottled water so it’s alright to dump all these toxic chemicals in this river.” “Smoking helps me relax - now I don’t have to worry about growing quite so old.”

However, despite the bleak outlook of this portrayal, there is a brighter side. For example, the hundreds of candidates for the Darwin Awards demonstrate the natural propensity for stupid people to wipe themselves out in imaginative and highly amusing ways. Thus, the smarter section of the population not only has the chance to enjoy more resources and opportunities owing to reduced demand, they’re also provided with free entertainment.

Unfortunately, though, despite their tendancy towards self-destruction, the percentage of stupid people is increasing because they are such rabid reproducers (just think about the Catholics). World population experts have predicted that in one hundred years’ time stupid people will outnumber smarter people by a ratio of 500:1. Therefore, it is not enough simply to sit back and hope for the best - smarter people need to actively assist their dim-witted cousins towards their early demise (preferably before they’ve had the chance to breed). There are many ways to go about this:

• Hand out home bomb-making kits. Of course, produced correctly, home-made explosives are perfectly safe. In the hands of an idiot, though, they become dangerous weapons, likely to claim hands and limbs at the very least. Just make sure they use a small, enclosed and cluttered work area so that when their bomb goes off prematurely there will be little chance of them making a successful escape.
• Get them drunk (it shouldn’t take much alcohol to override their common sense) and challenge them to dive off a bridge, making reference to your own successful efforts in doing so. They should become so incensed as to demand the opportunity to upstage you. Simple - and rather old - but effective.
• Tell them that strange lump really isn’t getting bigger and that doctors don’t know what they’re talking about. The same applies for any other medical condition that might befall them.
• Inform them that most people find sterilisation a turn-on and that sex is so much better after you’ve had your tubes tied.
• Convince them of the wonders of heroin.

These are but a few examples of the many ways you can help make the world a better place by reducing the number of stupid people inhabiting it. And remember, it’s all perfectly legal as long as they don’t mention anything about wanting to commit suicide and if you pretend to help them once it’s already too late.